Issy Stapleton: We can save her. We must save her.

reprinted from sherlocksflataffect with permission

Ok, so we can do shit you guys.
A social media crisis ACTUALLY IS AN OPTION HERE. We need to keep that Issy is a human being and that people give a massive shit about her public. Prosecutors, P&A workers, potentially jurors, judges—they too are human and as such can have their unconscious biases changed by the media they consume. We need to influence that media.

Secondly. Michigan Protection and Advocacy HAS to be on this. They have to. And we can make them aware that they are being scrutinized. That people care. That people are questioning the whole Mom Is Always Right Thing.

To that end, here is their website contact page: http://mpas.org/contact-mpas
That page has phone number, a contact form, and addresses.
http://www.benzieco.net/dept_prosecutor.htm This is the prosecutor’s office. It, too, has a variety of contact options. They decided what Kelli Stapleton gets charged with. Or if they drop charges. They, too, need to know that we are watching.

An Anonymous Newtown Autistic: Blaming the Victim: An Autism Parent Story

Reprinted from An Anonymous Newtown Autistic with permission.

What do we call it when the family members of a group of people denied needed services by the state uphold the right of other family members to react in violent ways toward those people who have been denied necessary services?

Blaming the victim.

Reactions to the recent case in which Kelli Stapleton, who had long blogged about her difficulties raising her daughter, attempted to kill herself and her daughter through carbon monoxide poisoning have entirely confused the matter of who is the victim and who is the oppressor.

My fellow autistic activists, among them, Kassiane at the Neurodivergent K blog, Alyssa at Yes, That Too and Michael at Shaping Clay have brought this issue to light with great clarity, but I wish to add my voice to the cascade of other voices calling for justice.

Parents who are unsupported by the state are not the most major victims of ableism. It is their kids who are the victims.

We witness a national situation comparable to what it would be like if white racists began having black babies that spoke African languages. Many of these parents have children who are different from them, different in a multiplicity of ways which are not accounted for by dominant institutions.

Yet the parents have the nerve to claim that they are the one's being oppressed. Nay, they are one link on the chain higher than those facing true oppression.

Cultural competency, access, accommodations, patience and understanding---these things cannot be forced on anyone. Many do not naturally adopt these principals.

And so when someone who lives according to different cultural rules and customs is present in the lives of many people, the reaction is to blame the linguistic cultural minority group and not for the person privileged by their fluency in the dominant tone to engage in self-questioning.

When parents claim to understand the killing of autistic children, they are moving backwards in terms of cultural competency. Such parents are failing to recognize that the ultimate person effected by terrible state services is not the parent, but is the student trying to learn.

I have long been silent on these issues because I find them to be horrific, but we cannot mince words when injustice repeats itself.

Several, Kerima Cevik among them, have linked the killing of Alex Spourdalakis and the failure to convict his mother on full murder charges to the occurrence of this most recent attempted murder of Issy Stapleton.

The link is real. As hate crimes occur and no one is held accountable, they become justified, they become culturally legible.

We cannot allow these senseless murders to keep happening; autistic people are being actively dehumanized and blamed for their difficulties in assimilating.

The government is involved in not contacting present braintrusts on autistic needs and developing a plan to better help our needs to be met in the parenting, educational and professional worlds. Parents are involved to the extent that some of them argue and push for the assimilation of their children instead of trying to gain a better understanding their children's way of behaving.

The victim of an inaccessible system are not the parents, the difficulty non-diagnosed, established parents face is a symptom of the much worse oppression faced by autistic people.

Until we come to grips with who is truly being oppressed, the violence, the lock-outs, the inner-violence of quiet hands style assimilation will continue.

Kiley: Dear Issy

Kiley: Dear Issy was posted as a comment on Facebook and used with permission

Dear Issy,
Today I watched all of your mom's youtube videos and looked at her blog. I can see that your family had some good times, and I hope you can remember them in the future.

I saw a young woman whose mother wouldn't let her grow up. I saw a mom who didn't respect her daughter's personal space and had trouble growing up herself. I saw a mom who desperately wanted to control an independent person who had trouble expressing herself. I know you are angry with her. I could see that clearly. I'm angry along with you. But I know there were good times, and for your sake, try to remember them so you can move forward in life and the pain can heal. Right now you are in a dark place, but it's going to be okay, and justice will be served.

Many of Us Have Walked in Her Shoes, but We've Taken Another Path

As the single mother of 3 Autistic children, I am outraged over the justification of the attempted murder of a child with autism. No, it is NOT "understandable." Whatever the challenges that come along as part & parcel of our lives with Autism, they are not our children's fault. They did not choose their neurology, their challenges, their parents or create the systems we must navigate. Yet our blame falls on them, these innocent vulnerable lives, & they are being sentenced to death for the crime of being Autistic. For having the audacity to require our care & advocacy rather than being convenient accessories in the idyllic lives we imagined we'd have. 

Don't tell me how hard it is. I know. I've lived through triple the phone calls, school meetings, insurance company battles, paperwork, therapy & medical appointments & triple the sleepless nights & meltdowns. And YES it IS harder. Let me tell you about the day I had a 3 hour appointment at the Social Security office then went to the pharmacy to discover the insurance company was denying coverage of my children's medications, & while trying to sort it out was interrupted by two consecutive phone calls from the elementary school saying one, then the other of my younger kids was melting down, clicked over to call waiting from the high school saying my oldest was having a meltdown & as I hurriedly promised to pick one after another of my children up I got another call waiting from the hospital--they were taking my (then) husband into emergency surgery. I stood in the middle of the store aisle & burst into tears because I had no idea what to do next, who to help first. You know what? That wasn't even my WORST day. It's not even in the top ten. For the record, my BEST day was when the surgeon told me my son survived brain surgery & that he thought he got all of the tumor. 

Don't tell me that somehow I must be "stronger" than others, than that mom--than you. I didn't miraculously receive superpowers along with my 3 children's diagnoses. I have a lot more experience now, but my lessons were every bit as hard won as anyone else's. It's probably true that I'm better equipped than anyone else to meet my children's daily needs; even most challenges are familiar & well-navigated after so many years. It's just my reality. Nevertheless, it wears on me, grinding me down day after day until I hit a wall of exhaustion. And you'd think by now I could take the disappointments, the blows, unexpected crises in stride, but I don't. I still FEEL them. I cry, I get angry, I worry. I still hurt. I'm only a human being. A fallible, tired, middle-aged mom just doing the best I can. 

Don't tell me that I must never have known dark moments--days--weeks--years & therefore "but for the grace of God go I." Because those of you who KNOW me, really know me, who have been there could tell you that's not true. I've been knocked down & gotten up a over & over again. But sometimes I've gotten knocked down...& not been able to get back up by myself. Not without help. And THAT is the one of the BIGGEST difference between those who lay down & never get up & those who DO. We get help. We recognize, "I am not okay & I need HELP." Because NONE OF THIS IS OUR CHILDREN'S FAULT. None. If for a moment we forget that, then we don't walk, we must RUN for help. 

I'm not saying it's easy. The effort to FIND help can seem too much when you're too tired physically & emotionally to keep your eyes open. And it's rarely exactly what you need at the exact moment you need it. No one is going to come along, wave a magic wand & make our lives-POOF-easier. But if you can talk or write you can be heard, get support for yourself & ideas for helping your child. There are so many more of us now than when we began our Autism journey & we *get* it. If you have access to a phone, you can call a crises hotline. If you have access to the internet you are never completely alone. If you have access to transportation there are support groups. When you feel yourself sliding down, down, down you grab onto a lifesaver & hang on. Don't hang onto your child & pull them under with you. And if you know your friend in "real life" or online is "crying or help", who exactly do you think they are crying for help from? Sometimes it's YOU. 

To all those parents who say, "This mom is one of our own. She's part of our community. Have empathy for her " I ask you, if you knew she was crying for help, where were you then? In an interview prior to this incident I read that she commented she wanted witnesses in case she didn't survive this. That didn't ring any alarm bells? Cause you to recognize a crisis & take action? Now those who claim this mom as their own say "It's understandable" rather than ask what they themselves might have done to help prevent this. Instead they continue to put the blame on Issy, a distressed child who was vilified online by her mother & then nearly murdered by her. What of empathy for HER? 

As the community rushes to defend the parents who attempt or successfully murder their children, what message does that convey to our own children about their value to society? If you want to know--ask an Autistic adult because they have wisdom to share. Adults, by the way who are being battered by angry parents right now for speaking out. They are being accused of lacking empathy & told they cannot understand because they have Autism. How about we as parents try a little perspective-taking, consider how hurtful that is & listen to them? I would also like you to consider, what message are we sending to society itself as they watch us kill OUR OWN community members & provide justification for it? If we as mothers, as Autism community members are not willing to say it is UNEQUIVOCALLY WRONG to murder OUR children we might as well straight out say, "Don't bother accepting individuals with Autism--even WE don't think they're worth it." 

To individuals with Autism, I'm so very sorry. I am ashamed of how you've been treated by members of our own community. To my own children: Tom (21) Kito (18) & Kaede (13) I love & accept you & you are my reason FOR living. 

Kristi Sakai 

Life is Messy and Beautiful: NOBODY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO WAKE UP ONE DAY AND MURDER A CHILD BECAUSE IT’S NO LONGER CONVENIENT TO TAKE CARE OF HIM OR HER.

Reprinted from Shenny's Tumblr with permission.

Since when if the person you murdered is Autistic you get a “Get out of Jail Free” card?  We have laws for a reason, you murder someone and you get prosecuted. Period.

One of the best times for any mother is carrying that child in her tummy for nine months.  Days and months spent talking to your baby, making plans of what will come when the baby is born.  You wonder what your baby is going to be like, what kind of person or what kind of personality.  You make promises to your child that you will protect that child with fierce love.  You vow that you will stand guard at all times and protect your baby.  You promise to be there always and the day comes, after hours of pain they hand you this wrinkly, slimy and ohh so beautiful creature, your child, whom you have been bonding for 9 months, to whom you have been making promises to.  There is no more pain and there is so much love that it overflows from you, you can’t stop the uncontrollable love and joy, you are so overwhelmed with love.  This baby is yours, all yours and the only job you have from that point forward is to raise a good human being.  Raising your children is the only worthwhile thing you will ever do in your life.  No matter any titles you may or not hold…..  Ohh, our kids grow, they get shaped into who they are with our influences and their environment and we keep loving them.  We keep loving them, we keep rearing them.  There are rough days and rougher days but we keep loving our children and that never stops.  When does this love and our duty end for our children end when it becomes inconvenient to parent some children?  If you don’t want to do it anymore you can’t just murder that child.  I would love to see you tell the truth if you have the balls you piece of shit of a mother.  Don’t hide behind ohh how hard it was, ohhh that was tough or that was sooo difficult.   There is no excuse.  There is no excuse.  There is no excuse.  You don’t just one day decide you are done mothering this child and will kill him/her.  S/he might be Autistic, blind, deaf, ridden with various diseases or not, you hold that child holy, you worship that child, you love and protect that child, you thank god for blessing you with that child.  You smell that child’s head at every opportunity you get, squeeze in extra hugs; you hold that child in your arms and really thank the universe and be grateful.  Grateful that you have the opportunity to the right by that child, grateful that you have a special job, grateful that this beautiful human being belongs to you and you belong to him or her.

 I have been angry with others before for one reason or another but I can never stay angry with my kids for I love them forever.  I will go to the ends of the world for them no matter what.  I love and respect the mothers who take care of children with more difficult circumstances and I believe they should get a special recognition.

The mothers who kill their children however need to be in special hells.  We have to make sure they are prosecuted; we have to make sure they can’t even be tempted to murder their children.  We have to shout it from rooftops IT IS NOT OKAY TO KILL YOUR CHILD.   IT IS NEVER OKAY TO KILL YOUR CHILD.  Nobody should be allowed to wake up one day and murder a child because it’s no longer convenient to take care of him or her.

Shenny Fahrali

Kiley's Outrage

Kiley's Outrage was posted as a comment on Facebook and used with permission.

I have been having trouble finding the words for this over the pain it causes me, but maybe that is just the point. Whenever a parent hurts a disabled child, it breaks my heart. I'm a disabled parent. I have disabled children. I won't deny it has been hard as hell sometimes, but I love them with all my heart. I watched the videos of Issy's "therapy" and meltdowns. I see a little girl who is hurting and needed understanding and has been desperate for it for years and years.

We have to be hurt and outraged. We have to make sure that the world knows that murdering disabled children is wrong-- and trying but failing is every bit as bad. Disabled people deserve equal justice to the abled. Even if some of us aren't able to ask for it ourselves.

sleep hope wake and then: On Issy Stapleton, To Issy Stapleton, About Issy Stapleton

Reprinted from sleep hope wake and then

TW: Attempted murder and victim blaming, suicide mentions

This is messy. Not at all polished. Not at all well-organized or well-put together. It's an assortment of thoughts and opinions and ideas and frustration and anger. It can't be well put together. Because it is anger and anger is messy.

...

Issy Stapleton's mother attempted to murder her.
Attempted murder is attempted murder.
Attempted murder of your child is still attempted murder.

Do we feel sympathy for people who attempt murder?
No. No, we do not.
Do we give them "our unconditional support"
No.

You know who we feel sympathy for?
The victim.
And you know who the victim is?
The person who was almost murdered.

And that is you, Issy.

...

But for some reason, that doesn't seem to be the case. Instead, the response seems to be "unconditional support" towards the attempted murderer. Of stress and depression and overwhelming overwork. And "walk in their shoes" and "don't judge" and "well, you just don't understand."

What is there to understand?
Murder is murder.

MURDER IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT.

But THAT NEVER ENTITLES YOU TO KILL SOMEONE ELSE. Your child's life is not your life to take. No matter how much trouble you are having. No matter what. Your child's life is hers alone.

...

And people might say it's your fault. That it is your fault that someone tried to kill you. That it is your fault for "being difficult" and NONSENSE LIKE THAT.

It is not your fault.

And please don't ever believe that.

It is never your fault when someone tries to kill you.

...

And we live somewhere where people are obsessed with criminal cases and with motives and with murderers. And with crime. And so it is hard to escape hearing about crime . I can't even imagine how hard it would be to escape inside of the story. How hard it would be to see out and realize the way everything is twisted.

And where things are twisted against you.

And where it seems like everyone overwhelmingly agrees and gives sympathy to the one who attempted murder, and not to the victim.

But Issy, it's not your fault.

And you, only you, should be getting the sympathy.

...

MURDER IS NEVER THE VICTIM'S FAULT.

...

Dear Issy,

I hope you recover. I hope the rest of your family will love you and take care of you. I hope you will grow up into a wonderful, amazing person. I hope you will not be ashamed of being autistic. I hope you will not blame yourself for something that is absolutely, positively, completely not at all your fault.

...

And I feel bad writing this and publishing this, even, because I can imagine, that after this, when you are out of the hospital, that this is not how you want to be remembered. Who wants to be remembered as the girl whose mom tried to kill her? And that the world sided with her mother?

But not everybody did.

And there are people who agree that it is not your fault.

People all over who know that it is not your fault.

It is never your fault.

There is no possible way on heaven or earth that it could be your fault.

I am so, so, so sorry that this ever had to happen to you.

I am so, so sorry that even more happened after.

...

And I read the comments and I read the ideas and I read the support for your mother and I am
SO
ABSOLUTELY
ANGRY

Because it is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm scared for the world.

One day I am hoping to have autistic children. (Because they will be mine, and it is likely they will be autistic.) And I promise I will never try and kill them. Because that is not what parents do. Parents are not supposed to kill their children.

I've wanted to kill myself before.

But there is absolutely, positively, completely NO WAY that justifies killing other people.

You are supposed to protect your children.

Did you ask Issy if she wanted to live?
Or did you think it didn't matter?
Does being autistic mean you don't get a choice?

Because it does matter.
Because you should protect your children.

A loving mother does not murder her children.
A loving mother does not attempt to murder her children.

That
is
absolutely
unacceptable

Selfish
Self-centered

Behavior
...

Why were you able to decide that it was ok?

The more I read, the less I understand. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

...

Dear Issy,

Your life is valuable. So incredibly, amazingly valuable. You are valuable. You are amazing. You are wonderful.

Don't forget that.